So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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