Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
