In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
