he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
