I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
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