3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
