i already hear my dad disowning me
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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