You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
