He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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