my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
