At least make sure they are 18
Why
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
