I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
