his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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