I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
