Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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