We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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