Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize