I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
