you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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