I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
