Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Randomize
