Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I love you. Go after that dick
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
