mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
