Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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