You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
