I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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