just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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