I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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