So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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