Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
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