I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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