nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Randomize
