I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
