Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
