things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
