I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
