Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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