Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
