there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
