if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
only you would photoshop your dick
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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