I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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