Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize