my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Never joke about your clitoris.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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