Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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