so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
