You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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