Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Oh god it's open bar.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
