i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
