Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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