She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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