pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
