I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
