Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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