just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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