Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
