the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Oh god it's open bar.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
