I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
