I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
i've created a new STD.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
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