she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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