The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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