Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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