why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
