I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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