I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
