Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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